Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
