just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
