My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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