Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
