I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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