my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
