Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
