I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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