Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
this will be a night to untag.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
