1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
