Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
