My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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