if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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