The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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