Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
