I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
