im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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