i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
