apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
