She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
