i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
