I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Someone signed my nipple.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
