I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just had sex bonerless
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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