Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
