I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
