Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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