Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
