pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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