...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
