If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
