I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
