I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
