I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
