My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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