The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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