the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
