so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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