So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
