Just fell off a train. Bad.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
