I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
