i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
