So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
