She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
