I could make wine with my vomit
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
