I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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