I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize