Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
