hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
