drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
