cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
