So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
