Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
