I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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