not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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