the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
