So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
