i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
