whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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