My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
